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Apart from being a sea resort, Cannes is probably best known for its Festival which will take place for the 49th time this year. Moving Pictures asked three film professionals how they try to survive this nightmarish 12-day marathon...
The secret of Cannes: you've got to get into it. by Stephan Elliott (writer/director of The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) According to my producer Al Clark (as recounted in his book Making Priscilla), "...Alex Proyas (The Crow) was having dinner on the Croisette with Priscilla producer Al Clark (and various others). Proyas is on the evening's umpteenth expression of contempt for the vapid hysteria and compulsive insincerity of festival life, whereas Stephan, just off the Cinergi yacht where Bruce Willis has been giving him the unsolicited benefit of his advice, is having the time of his life". In fact I careered round the corner in a silly party hat and hilariously drunk, yelling, "Isn't this fun?". And I think that's the secret of Cannes: you've got to get into it. Look at the Americans: most of them don't smoke, drink or fuck, and they come to Cannes... and then for two weeks behave like animals. Cannes is an enormous game, I think, and the objective is to win more brownie points than anyone else. I did learn a few rules to achieve this:
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Systeme Tromatique Let's face it, we're not all Kevin Costner or Oliver Stone. It's not just anyone who can waltz into Cannes and have everyone kiss their ass. While this may be true it doesn't mean that you have to spend your evenings cooped up in your hotel room watching poorly dubbed Jerry Lewis films and Mickey Rourke reruns - no sir! Now, for the first time ever, Troma reveals its secrets for surviving at the Cannes Film Festival. You too can have the savoir-faire that has made Troma the toast (or at least the bagel) of the town without ever receiving one single legitimate invitation to a prestigious or non-prestigious party. Getting invited to the poshest of parties is no easy task. Basically you have less chance than a snowball in hell if you aren't on the "A" list. That is unless you join Troma's endless war against the power elite and embrace the Troma guerrilla systeme Tromatique for the financially challenged. One way to gain admittance to a star studded gala is to join a network television crew. Troma employees befriend the television crews, who, unlike you, are always wanted at parties. Simply grab into the nearest camera cable and presto... you are a crew member. Also not only are Troma Times Press Passes an undeniable fashion statement, they look very real. Troma uses these faux badges to gain access to the forbidden. Eating on the Croisette - don't do it! The power elite and its violently oppressive and highly lubricated machinery exists only to take the little money that you have earned with your blood and give you back only the measliest of morsels unworthy of your spit. In other words, drape a towel over your arm and disguise yourself as a Carlton Hotel employee. Then you can saunter into the subsidised hotel staff commissary, plunk a few francs into the petite sandwich dispenser and generously garnish your meal with free condiments from other luxurious hotels and patisseries. After room service finishes serving exotic, expensive breakfasts to the rich folk, you can put on your boots, roll up your sleeves and forage through the hallways in search of any croissants left behind after the elephant companies move their herds in search of bigger and better places to stuff their faces. If yours is a small, unpretentious, independent company that has been relegated to a teeny tiny office at the Carlton Hotel, squished between the corporate entities, it sometimes requires a little savvy to find just the right decorations to close the deal. In the wake of the rich and powerful there often lie perfectly good remnants of flower bouquets from the previous day's exclusive event. Day-old flowers can add just the right tough to your working environment. Rescue them from the garbage and put the flowers in your empty bottles of cheap wine to brighten up the squalor and transform your area into a happy, smiley cramped space. You may also decide to engage in recycling. Troma heartily endorsed recycling years before it became en vogue. In order to save the planet, go to the rich people's offices with the prettiest, most enticing, most attractive stuff and simply take it. There is also a hot new Wall Street trend that will help you survive at Cannes this year. Bartering! Bartering will get you clean sheets, fluffy towels and the utmost of respect from the French. Luxury hotel employees are becoming increasingly accustomed to the practice. A well-placed Troma Team T-shirt will always be most appreciated by your maid, who in return will give you lots of clean sheets to use on the beach where you are sleeping. Troma movies still begin in little bitty offices with wilted flowers and people with aching stomachs. For over 20 years, Troma has used this formula to create entertainment that has been enjoyed around the world. Remember Troma's credo "World peace through celluloid". Embrace your brother, spread the Troma Team gospel and maybe, just maybe, world peace will become a reality within our lifetime. Vive Troma. Vive Cannes.
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A little old lady, with a poodle on a leash by Chris Auty (managing director, Recorded Picture Company) Those who have been to Cannes for the film festival and have never experienced wickedness are people to whom you can simply say "Get real, get a life!" But who knows Cannes the city? Or rather Cannes the little town? For that is what she is: a little old lady, with a poodle on a leash, a voting card for the French rabble-rouser Jean Marie Le Pen in hand. For that is the heart of Cannes - the Florida of France, home to a thousand wealthy pensioners (and a thousand embittered North African immigrants). But then only the French could make a blue-rinse promenade this raunchy. It's not the babes on the beach. It's not the lively gay bars. Not the pimps who occasionally conduct knife-fights outside Le Petit Carlton. Not the arms dealers with their cruisers moored in the harbour. The wicked life of Cannes is born of something simpler and more innocent: the beach. F Scott Fitzgerald immortalised towns like these in Tender is the Night. What he celebrated was the sexiness, the Take Me As You Find Me of a Mediterranean shore that's over-developed but still whispers little love songs of love and play, and leads us astray, all astray... Forget the food (not bad). The money (mega). The culture (10 days a year). Just remember that long and dreamy night on the boat in 1990 when we danced and Nick turned up with poetry in his heart, and we all said: "Let's do this again sometime." And we did misbehave. Get a life, sunshine...
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